The days until Christmas have dwindled into single digits. People are running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to get last minute shopping in. Children stalk the presents under the tree. Mothers angst over the big Christmas meal. Sweethearts kiss under the mistletoe. Blah, blah, blah.

This post isn’t about any of that.

I’ll do some real advent posts next year, but for 2015, this shall be the only Christmas post I write.

I think that this is an issue that a lot of people struggle with. I mean, there are those few out in the world who have this down and make the rest of us want to gag, but I think that this doesn’t come naturally to most of us. It’s a real, deep struggle.

I am, of course, talking about gift wrapping.

So, here is a four-step tutorial on how to wrap a Christmas gift, and because I am exceptionally challenged, this should be suitable even for even the most inept.

Step 1: Assemble your supplies

Find your wrapping paper. If you cannot locate any wrapping paper in the house, you must venture out of doors and buy some from the nearest store. Choosing the correct wrapping paper isn’t that big of a deal; all you have to do is make sure it’s pretty. However, I recommend paper with one side as a grid because this makes cutting a relatively straight line a world easier.

Find your scissors. This can be difficult. Pull out all of your drawers, and if you still are unable to locate them, dump the contents of the drawers on the floor in a fit of frustration. (It helps.) Even in a pinch, DO NOT USE KITCHEN SCISSORS UNDER ANY CIRCUMASTANCES. I cannot emphasize this enough. Using kitchen scissors will only elevate the already high risk of mental breakdown.

Find your tape. Don’t buy unproven, cutsy holiday tape. Even if it says it’s “specifically for” gift wrapping, don’t believe it. (It’s a trap!) If you already possess trustworthy holiday tape, go ahead and use that, but otherwise, buy some good old, clear scotch tape. For the inept, this is a must because you will most likely end up using obscene amounts of tape in an effort to wrap your gifts, and cute tape will make it look more like even more of a mess than it already is. For the advanced, use this holiday tape at your own risk.

Find your fine-tipped Sharpie. This is for labeling your gifts once they are wrapped. It is best to track this bad boy down at this time so that you can label your gifts as soon as they are wrapped. Use fat Sharpies at your own risk.

Pro-tip: never let your mom “borrow” any of your supplies as the odds of seeing those supplies ever again are extremely slim.

Step Two: Wrap the gift.

Pick the gift you wish to wrap first. Usually, it is best to start with something fairly simple like putting the gift in an Amazon shipping box. Find a flat surface to be your operating table. DO NOT USE A BED. This is the worst place to wrap gifts because beds usually an odd height and squishy which usually means lots of unwanted rips in your paper. I highly recommend the floor instead of a table because you will likely be sinking to the ground in a heap of tears at some point anyway.

With your supplies assembled and your gift chosen, you can begin wrapping the gift. Begin by unrolling a portion of your paper and placing the gift in the center. Practice wrapping the gift before you cut. Figure out how much paper you will need, and then cut the appropriate amount of paper with your scissors.

Start folding the paper around your box and tape as needed.

At this point, you will discover that you have too much paper, so find your scissors again and trim the paper.

Eat some chocolate and start folding the paper around your box and tape as needed.

At this point, you will realize that you trimmed too much paper and do not have enough to cover the box.

Drink some wine and start over.

After three tries, you have the right amount of paper cut. You’ll start folding your paper around your box, but when you reach for your tape, it is gone. Pin the box and the folded paper to your chest and feel around for the missing tape. Once you have rediscovered your tape, use your free hand and teeth to get a piece of the tape. During the struggle of getting a piece of tape, you have ripped your paper and dropped your box.

Cry for a while and start over.

After failing to wrap the box two more times, you have finally successfully (more-or-less) wrapped the box! Congratulations!

Step Three: Label the gift

Whip out your Sharpie and prepare to finish this! At this point, it has been two hours since you put the gift in the box and began wrapping. Now, you no longer remember what the gift is or who it is for.

Take some time to throw some things and cry, and then go through your gift inventory to see what is missing. Theoretically, the missing item will be the item in your box.

Wipe your eyes, steady your hand, and carefully write the recipient’s name and then your name on the paper. Do this SLOWLY. If you do end up making a mess of writing the recipient’s name, find some labels and put it over your mistake and try again.

Step Four: Repeat Steps One – Three as necessary.

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There you have it!

This is generally how gift wrapping goes for me, and so I wanted to share my process with you all. :) :)

Merry Christmas!