I could say it’s been too long since I last posted. That would be true. Let’s cut to the chase.
I’m posting a poem today, and I may post more poems and things in the days to come. No one really knows. These last 365 days have been everything I didn’t expect, and while I will not explain it here at present, for those who are concerned (or may be at the end of this post whoops): never fear, for I am well. Jesus’ grip of grace is strong. This is a lament; it is not meant to be anything else.
Whenever I post on here, I remember myself at fifteen–alone among the corn fields, following after God and encountering so many things I had no concept for, and the books and blogs my Father in heaven gave me to help me along the way. I pray this poem finds my fellow pilgrims at the right time.
Sometimes it seems Like all the endings are sad.
The baby is unrecognizable because it’s been too long since I’ve seen him, The pastor lies and manipulates, They smile at me but hurt the ones I love, The dog is buried along with my childhood, The church falls apart, Too many goodbyes must be said, The brotherhood between Cassius and Darrow and Roque is destroyed and so are real life brotherhoods flayed before my eyes, Harvey becomes Two-Face, Theoden buries Theodred, The Tales of Goldstone Wood go unfinished while lesser stories are penned, The voices of the children no longer fill the meadow, The brother lives too far away, It really was just a dream, The girl calls and tells me her mother has died, All these ghosts They haunt me.
There are days And battles And parties And conversations And dance floors And forts And joys That are irretrievable Dead now Existing only in memories Joyful yet Unmistakably Colored with loss For I cannot return to them And sin has assured That they will never live again.
These ghosts Are like Hunger pains Or swallowing a sea Or suffocating Or endless bleeding.
Must it all Come to grief?
Is anything safe From sadness?
Is any Friendship Memory Hero Joy Safe from the loss That seems So inevitable So inescapable So irreversible.
Will they by my enemies until our resurrection? Does the hero have to die? Why do I have to watch as my sister cries?
Longing and loss These twins. The longing for: The lost things to be found once more The unfinished things to be written The dead things to rise again The return and redemption of it all.
Why must I now regard All warmth as fleeting All safety as illusion All belonging as temporary?
In these times I groan with the earth from which I was taken, My soul crying out within me: Come, Lord Jesus, come. Come make all the sad untrue. Come reign in unmitigated goodness and might.
Help me, oh dear God For I am sick with longing for home. To bid longing goodbye And always be satisfied To tell loss farewell And hold all joy securely.
For until I go To the New Jerusalem All good things must come to an end.
This poem ends sad, but in the words of Dave Radford of The Gray Havens: This is not the end.
Further up and further in, Rosalie
p.s. – seriously, I promise I’m okay. I’m coming out on the other side of these things, and that’s why I’m posting this here at all. Jesus is really as strong and good as he said (I don’t have a specific verse to reference, just the entire Bible), and he gave me a beautiful set of parents and siblings who have pointed me to the Bible and fought with me and for me.
p.p.s. – if you didn’t get that reference about Cassius, Darrow, and Roque, you should read the Red Rising trilogy by Pierce Brown. You’re welcome, and I’m sorry. Also, if you didn’t know (as I didn’t know) that Anne Elisabeth Stengl stopped writing The Tales of Goldstone Wood (arguably some of the most beautiful Christian art of the 21st century) to write spicy romance novels (trash), now you know. I am still not over that. In fact, I’m getting upset right now just thinking about it.
p.p.p.s. – if you want to talk about God’s providence, we have to talk about the release of Benjamin William Hastings’ Sold out, sincerely album coming within days of life as I knew it coming apart.
Tahahaha, I am absolutely not. For those who have been following along, a fake engagement announcement is how I started all two of my 2022 posts, and I couldn’t help but try it again because I’m so hilarious and clever. This is the last time or is it.
Unrelated to fake engagements but related to this blog, I would like to say props to myself for successfully navigating the new WordPress look (I don’t know how new it is, but on my end, guys, everything looks different, and I’m already getting too old to adapt to these sorts of things; I barely know how to use my iPhone [yes, I switched from an Android to an iPhone; it is the source an ongoing identity crisis).
What’s changed, and what’s new?
Not much and everything. We’ll get into that at a later date if I actually keep posting. I’m still following Jesus, still part of the church I’m helping plant in Texas, still getting my socks rocked off by Jesus’ kindness. But I’ve been changed.
I say “omg” and “lol” out loud a lot now, and I’ve got a middle part. And did I mention I’m an iPhone user now? Ahem. All topics for another time.
Okay, enough chit chat. I’m writing a blog post because I want to hype up a band I’ve been listening too recently (besides The Gray Havens).
Gable Price and Friends
Okay, one night back in 2020, I was swimming in the depths of Spotify and got down some sort of Alternative Christian music rabbit hole and came across a song called “Dead Man” by Gable Price and Friends. And then I found “Touch Your Robe” from the same EP. They went onto my 2020 playlist, and I worshipped to them so much through that fatal fateful year.
Now, literal years later, I’ve started to actually listen to more music from Gable Price and Friends, and now here we are. Gable Price is now on my list of people I want to meet in heaven. The lyrics are unique–blunt and up front and also layered in metaphors–the sound is kind of punk rock-y, good driving music, good crying music wait what.
So we’re just going to chat (er, actually no chatting, just a written TedTalk from yours truly) about some of lyrics/songs by Gable Price and Friends.
“You can’t kill your demons if you make ’em your home“ – “Demons“ by Gable Price and Friends.
Talk about a one-liner.
Wow. It instantly makes me think of times when I’ve given myself to sin–of when fear has come on me with all sorts of anxious feelings and I’ve laid down and let it take over, of when self-pity whispers poison to my mind and heart and I just let it set up shop and sow division and fear, of when I not only listened to lies from comparison but viewed the world through a lens of comparison. This line always feels like a splash of cold water.
There’s another line–“You talk a lot, but the game isn’t won from the parking lot.” Bruh.
I think the whole song is about actually getting in the fight against the things that we suffer under–whether sin or depression or anxiety or whatever. It’s about actually fighting, about doing, about living out the truth instead of just saying the truth or just talking about all the things that are hard. At least that’s how I understand this song and why I love it.
How did we end up here? How did we get so far? ‘Cause my key to your door doesn’t seem to be workin’ no more How did we end up here? How did we get so far? I sat at your porch and I cried at your doorstep for hours
It feels colder than the winter I wonder if I slipped from your mind Would you let me in for dinner? I’d kill for just a bit of your time
I find it easy to love you But not so easy to trust you You talk of houses on hills But who’s paying those bills And who’s frontin’ those fees? – “Easy to Love You” by Gable Price and Friends
I love worship music so much, hymns and contemporary music alike, but there’s something about Christians writing songs that aren’t simply for church worship. There’s something about songs like this. When I first heard it, it was like things I’ve felt toward God in times of suffering or doubt put perfectly into words with metaphors that just made so much sense to me.
That feeling of lostness that comes when the things you used to do to be close God are now routine and he feels far away, feels like he won’t let you in (“Cause my key to your door doesn’t seem to be workin’ no more”). Then the creeping fear that you’ve been forgotten and abandoned and the desperation to get back to a place where you hear his voice clearly and he feels close by or the desperation that comes when it feels like he’s overlooking you (“I wonder if I slipped from your mind… I’d kill for just a bit of your time”). And then the skepticism that comes wondering if the Father has the means to come through for all the goodness he promises (“You talk of houses on hills, but who’s paying those bills…“).
After a time following Jesus, a sturdiness, a steadiness should form in maturing Christians, but there are still seasons that will come where the Father’s voice seems far away, seems like the zeal and golden love from the beginning has faded and someone changed the locks. Even though how it feels doesn’t mean that’s how it is, there’s something comforting to me of someone putting those feelings to words and expressing some of the difficulties of following Jesus (easy to love, harder to trust; how quickly the fear of being abandoned by the Father rises; etc.).
They say the truth will bring you to your knees That it might make me a better me
But not before it rips your chest out And not before it puts your back against the wall There’s a painful coalition A cardiac collision involved The truth might set you free But first it’s gonna set fire to your house It takes what you’ve been trusting And breaks it down to nothing at all – “How It Sets You Free” by Gable Price and Friends
This is the one that got me.
I had their latest album on in the background while I did something (maybe my annual cleaning of my room?) and these lyrics just clicked in my head.
I don’t know what it’s been like for other people, but for me, facing the truth–having to repent of sin, having to admit I was wrong, having to admit that the rose-colored glasses I view myself through are not always accurate, being truly humbled before God, all that jazz–is super painful and hard. I can think of so many instances where I felt backed into a corner by the truth, and I could either swallow painful truth and be renewed and change my mind/my thinking or go on in willful disobedience. For me, these are always hinge moments–where something turns, when I must give up a false idea or mindset or view, watershed moments that become landmarks for a before and after.
Recently, this looked like repenting of bitterness towards some of my friends. I’d felt for a while that something was off in my heart toward them. I tended to have a short fuse with them, wanted to believe the worse, wanted to be hypercritical. It isn’t how I normally am with my friends, and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was exactly, couldn’t quite name it. Finally I prayed about it, something like this:
“Father, this is a little awkward since I’ve been in denial about the way I feel for quite sometime…”
*clears throat*
“Anyweys, I think maybe something is off in my heart towards so-and so.”
*cough cough*
“I don’t know what, can’t name names, but something–maybe, I dunno, the fact I get angry at them when I shouldn’t–makes me think it isn’t good and maybe you could tell me what and, uh, we could do something, ahem, about it. Together. You know, or something.”
After praying about it for a few weeks, it became pretty clear that all these feelings I had towards these friends were the fruit of bitterness, and then I was still in denial. It looked something like this:
*my regular day-to-day life*
Holy Spirit: “Why does it make you angry when people speak well of so-and-so?”
Me: “I doN’t KNoW.”
Holy Spirit: “Isn’t this how bitterness has looked for you in the past?”
Me: “UGH, mAYbE, I DOn’T KnOW.”
Holy Spirit: “Why don’t you want to see them?”
Me: “NO rEaSOn. C’MoN, gimme a BReAk.”
Holy Spirit: “It’s bitterness.”
Me: “That seems a little extreme, don’t you think. I am A Mature ChristianTM, and I don’t get bitter or struggle with sin in my heart.”
Holy Spirit: “You’re going to go for that lie again?”
Me: …. …. …
*repeat the whole thing six or seven times*
Eventually, I came to terms with me sinning against my friends in my bitterness toward them… sort of. I mean, I knew I was bitter, but I wasn’t that bitter, and it wasn’t that big of deal, like, why would the Holy Spirit keep bringing it up. Gosh, like, just leave my alone and chillax, it’s not that bad. Like I’m just a little bitter, but like no one knows and maybe we can just go another year and a half with minimal interaction with these friends, like I can just avoid them on Sunday mornings and it’ll be fine.
Kids, I kid you not, that is where I was at.
But living in the truth means facing the truth, and by some miracle (what could it be? God’s grace again????) I was able to stop minimizing my sin, take responsibility, and repent. But it was a struggle. The truth had to devastate my ridiculous I Do Not Sin Anymore self-image and put my back against the wall so I couldn’t wriggle away from reality any more.
That’s why I love “How It Sets You Free“. The truth, the reality of my own sin, is pretty hard to look at and speak completely truthfully about. It’s easy to want to cut myself some slack when what I need is to have my house of false ideas burned to the ground.
Obviously, there are other ways the truth sets us free, but that’s a topic for another time.
*insert creepiest mwhaha ever*
The perfect polished pastor cannot save you Your Meyers or your Briggs won’t buy your sins You can break the alabaster on a podcast Deconstruct the light till none can be let in Self discovery can only get you so far, baby You’re heaven sent and only home will set you free There’s a middle eastern Man, with holes inside his hands and he’s out to get you – “Ten Percent” by Gable Price and Friends
I’m sorry, but what? I gasped out loud when I heard this bridge for the first time.
“Ten Percent” is about us only giving Jesus 10% of our hearts, and the cost of living only a little bit for Jesus. This bridge is fire. That part where it goes “deconstruct the light till none can be let in” was straight up shots fired. At a time when so many people who grew up in the church are hopping on podcasts and deconstructing their faith and then (a lot of times) rejecting it and/or rejecting ultimate truth, this seems wildly pertinent.
I look back on the day Jesus saved me and the others who were (supposedly) saved too but now have walked away from Jesus and his Church, and it sobers me. It also encourages me because this band is around my age, and some of the lyrics of the songs make me think (but I don’t know for sure) that Gable Price grew up in church and has some similar experience as me. I don’t know. For some reason, this song seems oddly relatable?
Also I love how that casual reference to Jesus at the end of the bridge alludes to him as the one who saves, the one who buys your sins, the one who brings light, the one who sets free, and how he’s bent on having his people.
Wowza, we’re already over 2000 words for this post, sorry, kids. I’ll call it quits before it gets too crazy long. Suffice it to say, I’d recommend giving Gable Price and Friends a listen.
To any faithful Penprints followers or new readers who tuned in for this entire ramshackle post, thanks. Had you heard of Gable Price and Friends? What lyrics are jumping out you from your current music favorites?
Further up and further in,
Rosalie
p.s. – just know it went against every bone in my body to not write a Valentine’s Day post about singleness. Yes, I recently listened to a podcast called “Is singleness superior to marriage?” and yes I also was sad and cried on February 13 because I don’t have no boo thing and then spent all of February 14 living my literal best life and being confused why I was sad about being single the day before. Nothing new there.
p.p.s. – for the uninitiated, “Boo Thing” is a term that refers to one’s significant other; I will use it to refer to significant others. And also, as it turns out, almost every single person other I encounter. It just comes out of my mouth before I can stop it, and I say it to a lot of people. And one of these days I will tell the mailman or some man buying a present for his wife at my work, “Thanks, boo, have a nice day.” And then I will go die.
p.p.p.s. – also, if you’re going to listen to Gable Price and Friends, but sure to give “Underdressed” a listen.
Did I fall off the face of the earth for like a year? Yes, yes, I did that. It was I. I’ll admit it was me who in fact did that.
*coughs awkwardly*
But I yet live, and it’s time to get back to business.
What’s new?
I’m engaged!
Lol, no I’m not. I thought it’d be funny to throw that out there for the lolz, especially for the extended family wait what I would never.
What’s new (for realz)? This will cover the tail end of 2020 and all of 2021. After that I’ll reminisce about 2022 (yes, I said reminisce. About the future. Because I can do anything here, boo.)
My small group multiplied (translation: the group of people that I meet with from my church to discuss the Bible and grow in community got too big to be one group and so we split into two groups).
The 2020 election happened. Yep. I remember thinking the 2016 election cycle was a doozie, and now we all know better.
I left social media, no regrets.
I moved!–still in Texas, still part of the same church, just a new house and new roommates.
The Gray Havens released their new album Gray Flower track by track (thank the Lamb for that).
I saw Jesus save some people very dear to me and got to see them baptized (best. day. of. my life.).
I haven’t been doing much novel-writing in the last year or so…
But I have been doing some songwriting!
I turned 23.
Lost some more idols, survived, know Jesus better, etc.
Survived Snowmaggedon in Texas (maybe I’ll write a post about it because it’s coming up in the one year anniversary and it was wild; it made Covid look like the kiddie apocalypse)
Had several identity crises and have found myself in Jesus a little more each time.
Broke my coffee addiction.
Rekindled my coffee addiction.
Harbored unforgiveness and bitterness, Jesus said, “Don’t do that”, and I repented.
Used to think repentance was beating myself up until I was “sorry enough” but by God’s kindness to me through friends, small group leaders, and the Bible I learned what repentance actually is (a future blog post perhaps?)
Lost some more ambitions and aspirations because God’s call on my life is better than what I could want for myself.
Fought with a close friend, sinned against her a lot. Reader, she forgave me. I’ve never known reconciliation like this. The blood of Jesus is truly miraculous.
Locked my keys in my car. With my phone. At a sketchy gas station. At 10:00 pm. I survived.
My ol’ Volvo (the Daydream) died on the side of the road. 25 of my friends from my church pitched in and bought me a car (like wait, what? They did what?). Reader, this is a really nice car.
Through being gifted the extravagantly beautiful car, I learned a bit more the abundance in God’s heart for me, that he doesn’t give the bare minimum but that his love goes, and has always gone, above and beyond.
Found out that 69 degrees Fahrenheit is absolute warmest I can sleep in or else I will straight up perish.
Came to the end of myself like 14 times and received everything I needed straight from the hand of my Father in heaven.
Learned that the chief end of an avocado is to carry everything bagel seasoning from the can to my mouth.
Discovered part of my purpose in life is wearing velvet pants as often as possible (we’re just at the beginning of this epic new velvet pant age in my life).
2022
Still absent-minded and forget to reply to texts, emails, and phone calls.
Still learning to receive grace.
Still trying not to strive so much (lol, “trying not the strive”).
Still get discouraged and listen to the lies of despair instead of believing the gloriously light truth of Jesus.
Still keep finding out I’m not perfect and still keep acting like it’s the End of the WorldTM (for sure went and cried in my room when I found out I don’t put my dishes away like an adult human should [“Found out?” you say. “Yes, found out,” says I. One of my roommates literally had to sit down with me and tell me that I don’t put my dishes away. I would wash them, fill up the drying rack, go along my merry way, and forget about them. And then one of my roommates would put them away for me. I’m not going to say anything more than that.]).
I did it. I changed the design of this blog again. I changed the header. And the colors. And unraveled all the work I spent in 2018 and 2019 and 2020 trying to have a cohesive “look/brand” that I was going to stick to. I threw it all out the window (if you’re reading this in your inbox, get yourself on over the main website, my faithful friend, and check out the new look; I didn’t buy this domain for no reason [but also don’t look too closely because not all the widgets have been baptized into The New LookTM). There was no one to stop me. At least I didn’t change the name of this blog.
Still planning on following Jesus to my dying day and beyond.
Blogging has become an antiquated form of communication, but that’s all right with my little old soul. I won’t do it much (life is too full–so much to do and so little time; I feel that pressure against my soul keenly), but I’ll do it every now and then (my goal in my bullet journal is 20 posts in 2022; we’ll see if I make it).
To anyone out there still tracking with this old ragPenprints and me, I’m back from the dead in more ways than one and of course have many, many thoughts on all matters with varying degrees of importance, helpfulness, etc..
And you know I’ll share them.
Further up and further in,
Rosalie <3
p.s. – yes, I for sure also changed my closing greeting. It had to be C.S. Lewis-ish. I’ve been signing off wrong for the last ten years of blogging. It’s fine; I fixed it now.
We’ve all been in this series long enough that I’m going to cut the chitchat and get straight to the nitty gritty (unless of course you haven’t been in this series; in that case, check out parts one, two, three, four, and five).
I’m a woman lady girl. So my experience in a relationship (or not being in a relationship, as is the case for this whole series?) is going to be different than a man boy guy’s.
Now, for some, this post may seem very hard. Our culture has a very boys-chase-girls, girls-chase-boys mindset. Anyone can chase anyone. But for Christians, our approach to anything cannot be like our culture’s. With everything, we’re to look to the Bible and look for God’s design.
As has been discussed at various points throughout this series, I wanted The Guy to notice me. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to try my hand a flirting with him. I wanted to give him hints that I liked him.
But I didn’t.
I didn’t tell him that I liked him.
I didn’t hint that I liked him.
I didn’t flirt with him.
I didn’t try to compliment him (even though I was heavily in the he-is-so-amazing boat).
There are two reasons why.
Reason #1: I didn’t have the confidence or self-worth to put myself out there.
For those of you who feel like this post is a no-brainer, don’t mistake a lack of self-worth/confidence for maturity. That’s what I did at first. I thought to myself, “Of course I would never try to make something happen with The Guy, not matter how much I want to. Of course he has to come to me.”
But it wasn’t trust in God behind that or understanding of God’s design for relationships or much of anything holy or biblical. What was behind it was fear. What was viewed by others as maturity was just fake maturity.
Girls pursue guys out of a hurt or a fear (Boat #1). Girls don’t pursue guys out of fear (Boat #2). And some girls don’t pursue guys because they trust God’s wisdom more than their own wisdom or desires (Boat #3). I was not sitting in Boat #3 like I thought I was; I was sailing around in Boat #2.
Girls who chase guys often have deep wounds and fears centering around self-worth, confidence, body image, insecurity, loneliness, unworthiness, etc..
Girls who don’t chase guys often also have wounds and fears centering around self-worth, confidence, body image, insecurity, loneliness, unworthiness, etc..
Some of the same root issues, but a different response.
Some women are pushed to take the lead, to initiate, to take their clothes off, to text first, to be louder, to be considered more desirable physically, to give and give, to chase and chase by fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being alone.
Some women are pushed further into themselves, to put more clothes on, to be silent, to stand by, to be doormats by fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of being undesirable. Fear of being unwanted.
Neither is firmly rooted in who God is and who he has made her to be.
This is what kept me to myself at first.
Friend, if this is you, please don’t despair. And please don’t stay there. Confess your fear to someone (someone like we talked about in the last post). Pray about it. Ask Jesus to bring healing to the parts of you that this world and sin has broken—your body image, your insecurity in your personality, your passivity, your fear of others’ opinions. Ask God to reveal what is at the root of why you do not (or do) pursue guys. And ask him to be so kind as to heal it and give you the grace to turn from lies.
Reason #2: I knew it was The Guy’s job to pursue me, not the other way around.
It took a while for the truth to root down in me and reform my motives. In order to understand for myself more why I was to be pursued, to be chased, to be wooed, Jesus led me into a deeper understanding of marriage.
Paul says marriage was created as a way to show the glory of the mystery of God’s love for his Church. So many mysteries and glories lie revealed in marriage. Two people becoming one flesh (an echo of one God who exists as three Persons). A husband leading, protecting, cherishing a wife—an image of Jesus leading, protecting, and cherishing his elect. Marriage is the closest relationship two humans can share. It is a spiritual, emotional, and physical union.
Almost always, lust is seen as the marriage destroyer. And it often is. But there is a more subtle (and I daresay more dangerous) destroyer—passivity. Specifically—a husband’s passivity.
This is one of the most fundamental things sin has broken in God’s design for men and women. Not just sex—though that’s gotten plenty messed up too. But what’s been most deeply broken is how men and women relate to each other.
Look at the Bible and see it everywhere.
Adamwas with Eve when the serpent tempted her. He was at the tree with her. He heard the serpent’s words and Eve’s response, and he did nothing. He let Eve eat of the tree without rebuffing Satan’s lies. He let Eve hand him some of the fruit as well.
In a lot of ways, Adam didn’t fall; he let the fall happen to him. He didn’t do anything. He was passive. He watched Eve buy into a lie that destroyed them both.
From there on out, a man’s biggest struggle with sin has been and will be a struggle against passivity.
Abrahamwas promised by God that he would be given a son to carry on his line. Abraham believed, but then after it didn’t happen for a long time, his wife, Sarah, took matters into her own hands. She told Abraham to sleep with her maid, and instead of leading Sarah back to God’s faithfulness and telling her he was going to trust God, he let Sarah lead him into sin. He slept with her maid (the ultimate defilement of the marriage bed of God’s design), Hagar, who then had a son, and both Hagar and her son had a dysfunctional relationship with the rest of the family for the rest of their lives, a rift that went on the span generations. God was sovereign over it and used it, as is his way, but what if Abraham had stopped it in the beginning?
Eliwas a priest in the days of the prophet Samuel (right before the nation of Israel asked for their first king). He was a nice dude and raised Samuel to serve God. But Eli had two wicked sons who sinned heinously, openly, again and again. Eli knew of their sin and the destruction it wreaked, yet he did nothing. He just kind of sat there. He didn’t rebuke them as their father. He didn’t rebuke them as their high priest. And in the end, his sons met death because of their sin. Eli was warned, and he still did nothing. He didn’t lose his sons because he didn’t do anything.
Davidwas also passive. In a sickening account, one of David’s sons raped one of David’s daughters. If that wasn’t bad enough, David did nothing. There were no repercussions. Everyone kept on living together like a big happy family. But David’s son Absalom wasn’t so passive. Absalom (the full-blooded brother of the girl raped) took revenge on the half brother who sinned so terribly against his sister and murdered him. And so David’s household spiraled and tore itself apart. Because David sinned in passivity and didn’t call out sin to be sin or seek healing and restoration for his family. His passivity ended in rape, multiple murders, and a ruined family. What sin and pain and destruction could have been avoided if David had actively led his sons?
Now let’s see the outcomes of men who weren’t passive.
Peterwas assertive. And I’m not just talking about how he’d always say stuff off the cuff in the gospels. In Acts, there’s an account of a married couple who sold a piece of land and pretended to give all the money to the church when they actually kept some back for themselves (so they lied). Full of the Holy Spirit, Peter tested them, gave them a chance for an out. When they decided to continue in their lie, still full of the Holy Spirit, he called out their sin in front of everyone, and the Holy Spirit struck the couple dead for their sin. And the church was protected (at least for a time) from what the seeds of their sin could have done to the church. If he had done nothing, said nothing, that seed of stinginess, of lying, of greed, etc. could have taken root in the church. Who knows what evil could have grown out of that? One thing is certain: destruction.
Jesus. Jesus chases after his own. He initiates relationship. His is gracious but not passive. He calls out sin. He encourages and leads. He is upfront. He says things that are uncomfortable. His whole life on earth was an act of initiation, of coming down, of bending down, towards, to get to his people. If Jesus was passive, he’d wait for us to come to him. But he came to us first.
So when it comes to The Guy.
If he’s passive in the beginning, the relationship will be shaped and marked by his passivity. He won’t lead you away from sin. He’ll let things slide—not in a gracious way, but in a passive way. Grace acknowledges sin as sin and sets it aside. Passivity is silent and doesn’t want to rock the boat. It is marked with laziness, the fear of other people’s opinions (aka: the fear of man: aka: a misunderstanding of God himself), or lukewarmness.
I’ve seen it happen where a guy doesn’t like a girl. The girl hints at her affections. The girl liking the guy suddenly makes the girl appealing to the guy. He kind of seems to initiate and lead, but areas of deep passivity remain. And sin and hurt is harvested.
For me, I’ve come to truly trust God with my future, and part of that is trusting that if I ever marry, the man boy guy that he gives to me will not be passive. And one of the first markers of that will be that the dude will come for me. He will pursue me. He will woo me. Then I’ll flirt and be awkward and tell him my mind and my heart and be open to him. And I know now that I’m worth being pursued.
The Good I’ve Seen:
I see an incredible model of what a man pursuing a woman should be really clearly in my brother Luke (I’ve gotten a front-row view of his dating, engagement, and early marriage).
He initiates with Emily (my sister-in-law) so well. He is gentle. He isn’t afraid to press into the hard stuff (or if he is, it doesn’t control him/keep him silent). He pursues her, loves her, cherishes her, wants the best for her and is willing to be uncomfortable and put in the work to see her get the best because he wants nothing less than the best for her. He tells her the truth when she’s hearing lies.
When she isn’t acting herself, he doesn’t let her hide away or bury stuff she’s always buried. He has proven he will be gentle with her, so she can feel safe (or as safe as she’ll ever feel) to be fully honest. He stays up late when they both have to wake up early so that they can go to bed at peace with each other. He doesn’t let stuff sit or fester. He doesn’t leave things unsaid. He doesn’t let her leave things unsaid. He’s crazy for her. He pursued her right from the beginning.
And Emily? She is a force of her own, one to be reckoned with. She’s a leader among women, full of the Holy Spirit and his good fruit. Her heart is wholly devoted to God, and her wisdom is peaceful and gentle. She’s a catch, as the kids would say. And instead of trying to snare a husband, she just followed God. And when she liked Luke and didn’t know what the future would hold, she chose to lean on the wisdom of Jesus instead of her own.
And when they started dating, instead of forcing her own way or being consumed by fear, she let him lead her. She trusted Jesus. And she trusts Luke. Like, a lot. She loves him. She encourages him right back. She tells him the truth. She responds to him. She is a well of gentleness and meekness and joy. She is kind to him and patient with him and laughs with him. She doesn’t belittle him or poke at him. She rejoices with him and in him.
He sharpens her, and she sharpens him.
He loves and builds up the woman in her, the woman God made her to be. She loves and draws out the man in him, the man God made him to be.
For me, I’d have to say seeing their relationship unfold has perhaps been the single most influential thing to how I now view and value romantic relationships. Luke and Emily aren’t perfect, but dang they did it well, and they’re still doing it well.
Let’s wrap this up.
Does any of that not make sense? Do you have any questions or confusions? As per usual, feel free to comment or contact me directly.
With love,
Rosalie
p.s. – I think we’re finally getting to the end of this series! Next week I think we’ll be talking about The Need To KnowTM. if anything will ever come of the crush.
p.p.s. – I know that this could be a little controversial. Even in the Church there isn’t agreement about what man-woman relationships should be, but after following Jesus for over fifteen years, this type of model is the one that I believe most follows the path God intended for marriage.
p.p.p.s. – a shout-out to Luke and Emily for being The BestTM and also consenting to me fangirling about them on the internet.
Jane Austen once said, “A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
Ha.
She ain’t wrong.
We’re back with part four of So I Liked a Boy. You can read parts one, two, and three if you’re new or if you just want a refresher of my manic, dramatic, and astonishing wit.
If you want the short version, I had StirringsTM (aka: a crush; aka: the precurser to FeelingsTM) for a dude in my church for a whole ten months and didn’t know what to do with myself and was forced to grow and rely on Jesus more deeply than ever. It was terrible but great at the same time. This series is me sharing the terribleness and greatness in hopes that people in the same spot as me are helped out with their own StirringsTM.
Let’s get part four of this party started.
All my life, the only requirement I heard that I would need to find in a husband was that he be a Christian. Preferably employed. Preferably not living with his parents. My parents probably had a few other criteria, but the one that stuck with me was the Christian part.
Naturally, I proceeded through almost my entire life thinking to myself, “So long as he’s a Christian, we good to go, let’s pick out the bridal party.”
As I grew up, I became a little more aware that a lot of people call themselves Christians who don’t actually love God. So I amended my Requirement Uno. He’s got to love Jesus. Then we good to go. Then let’s pick out the ol’ bridal party.
The Guy who I had StirringsTM for loves Jesus with more unabashed passion than a lot of people I know (which is remarkable in a church where everyone left everything because they love God; that’s church-planting for you). His obedience to everything God calls him to is quite admirable. His heart of worship seems akin to David’s.
After watching him for a couple months, I thought to myself, “Ah, such a deep love for God; let’s get married.” Yeah, my brain went there real fast; Jane Austen was, in fact, correct.
But, actually, him loving Jesus is the bare minimum, a passing grade, not the end all be all of what to look for/be attracted to in a boy I mean man I mean guy.
I was seeking council from someone very wise about The Guy (I’d been on the moon-eyed train for like eight or nine months at this point).
I was asked why I liked him. I explained some of my reasons. I was told, “Look for more.” Not because The Guy was morally or spiritually deficient in any way but because my vision was too narrow.
Raw affection for God is not enough. Even capacity for extreme obedience isn’t enough. Even spurring me on to Jesus more isn’t enough. It takes more than dynamite love of God to make a relationship work—especially if that relationship is a covenant between two sinners only to be dissolved by death.
He can’t just love Jesus; he has to be like Jesus.
Jesus: a Man of supreme character, grit, zeal, gentleness, wisdom, compassion, patience, and joy.
Jesus: a Man of such strength and goodness.
Jesus: One who even now anchors the entirety of his Church throughout all generations as its immovable Cornerstone.
That’s what I have to look for—not because I deserve it but because that’s what my soul requires for survival. There is so much sin in my heart that I require much much keeping and initiating and leading back to the cross again and again and again.
He can’t just love Jesus—as good as that is. He must heavily image the Son’s person. His very character must remind me of Jesus.
His goodness, mercy, compassion, holiness, strength, humility, devotion, joy, steadfastness, zeal for the kingdom, and submission to the Father must be echoes of Jesus.
Jesus is my first love. Why would I look or settle for anything less or anything different in my second, human love?
Now, you may be thinking, “Yeah, but gosh, Jesus is a hard act to follow.”
And you’d be right. And no man I mean boy I mean guy could follow perfectly in Jesus’ footsteps, that’s why we need Jesus. But while it’s a tall order, it’s not impossible. I’ve met so many people who love Jesus and are becoming more like him to the degree that when I hear them speak or watch their manner of living, I am reminded of the character of Jesus.
To be honest, I’d rather live out my days in the joys and challenges of singleness than marry someone who loves Jesus but isn’t like Jesus.
Questions to Soberly, Prayerfully Ask Yourself and Jesus
When I was praying through liking The Guy, the Holy Spirit stirred up many questions, then I found more in The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler, and then some more from some trusted friends. I had to ask them of myself and Jesus honestly, humbly, soberly, without rose-colored glasses.
So here are some of the recurring questions, which I now pose to you, dear reader.
Why do you like the guy? What in him draws you in? Is it his personality, his faith, his character, his what?
Is he part of and committed to (serving, giving to, involved in, etc.) a local church? Is it a healthy, spiritually mature (and maturing) church?
Is his character known or unknown? If not, why not? If so, what has his character proved to be? Reckless or steadfast, flaky or faithful, bitter or forgiving, selfish or selfless, etc.
How does he respond to suffering? Can he endure?
How does or doesn’t he submit to authority in the church (this is an indicator of his capacity/willingness to submit to the Holy Spirit)?
Why does your heart seek relationship with him? To put an insecurity to rest? To assuage loneliness? Or something else?
Do you like him based on who he actually is? Or are you actually more drawn to a version of him that only exists in your head?
Can he lead you spiritually—towards Jesus, through the trials of this life, through your own sin? Is he like Jesus in that his character is strong enough, steady enough, steadfast enough for the both of you? Is he one that can be depended on? Does he show forth the fruit of the Spirit?
And you have to actually want to know the answers because if you don’t, you’ll be closed off to the truth.
For instance, I could be honest and ask the Holy Spirit to search me and know me and show me if there were selfish reasons in my heart when I desired relationship with The Guy. It was easy to be open to anything there.
But all along, even though it was the first question I asked myself, I kept myself closed off to the answer of if The Guy could lead me spiritually, if our personalities and tendencies and giftings and maturities and all that jazz were such that I could not only submit to him but he could actually lead me like Jesus leads the Church—without passivity, with grace, with strength, with love, with action, with sacrifice. I made all sorts of unconscious excuses.
There’s no way for me to know that since I’m not in small group with him.
I have such a limited window.
It would be arrogant and prideful of me to say he couldn’t lead me. Etc..
But the truth that the Holy Spirit was pressing on all along was that no, The Guy couldn’t lead me. Not because there was anything wrong with him or because I’m ultra mature or anything like that. It’s as simple as me being a disaster, full of fear, full of sin, full of so many things that require a certain type of man I mean boy I mean guy to love and cherish and lead me through.
Yeah, by the grace of God, I’m bearing fruit, good fruit, Holy Spirit fruit, but there’s going to be sin in me until I die, and if I’m to run this race well—and if I’m to do it married—the dude has got to lead me like Jesus, has got to remind me of Jesus.
And, as I finally let the Holy Spirit tell me, The Guy isn’t that boy man guy. He and I don’t… fit together, if that makes sense. Neither is defective or better or anything, we’re just not fitted for each other. And that’s okay.
It’s so so so important to be honest with yourself and be open to the Holy Spirit actually answering the questions, even if the answer isn’t what you want to hear. Otherwise, you’re just deceiving yourself and living in a type of false reality of your own making, and the truth isn’t in you. Let the Holy Spirit lead you. Submit yourself—your heart and your will—to his wisdom and authority.
So anyweys.
That’s all for this week. As per usual, if anything doesn’t make sense or you have any questions, feel free to comment or contact me directly! <3
With love,
Rosalie
p.s. – sorry for the late posting! Internet was down at my house so I had to wait until I could go to a coffee shop to use the free wifi and drink the not-free coffee.
p.p.s. – next week I think will be about who to talk to about your crush and why it’s important to be transparent with a couple of mature Christians about your StirringsTM.
Penprints 