I’m back (surprise!), and I do have another poem. I promise not to turn this blog into my emo poetry journal (trust me, that is not where this blog is going as if it’s going anywhere because contrary to the rumors, I am not Taylor Swift).
This poem is about when God in his wisdom and goodness and kindness and love and holiness sometimes makes your life take a hard left turn off a cliff and what that can be like. *insert upside down smiley face emoji*
There comes a moment When your hands are Full of mess And you have no more tries Left in your body And you can’t Salvage it Fix it Heal it Mend it Because it’s Too shattered Too corrupted Too poisoned And you are too weak To make it better Because you are not God.
And God? He lets it burn to the ground While you scream at him to Do Something. And he meets your gaze Steady as starlight And says, “I did.”
And in a leap of faith That rips the tendons of your trust Cleanly from your bones You accept his choice: It will not be fixed.
And for a while you lie Like a carcass of grief And you wonder What you could have done And you blame yourself for the mess And you cry And you can’t talk to God Because you can’t help but Accuse the Allwise One As if the Allgood were capable of evil.
But then You must decide What to do next.
And you must consider: Is God defeated?
And your bones reject the truth That he is undefeatable. And you tell your bones: Fall in line. God is unstoppable.
And you must consider: Is God good?
And your bones reject the truth That he is always good. And you tell your bones: Fall in line. God is good.
And you must consider: Am I still going to follow him?
And your bones Whine And weep And wail Because you have nowhere to go But to his everlasting arms.
And he is patient. He waited Something like Four thousand years to send his Son Did he not? Long-suffering can hardly describe One such as him.
He knows humans Are creatures easily broken.
You ask Why You ask Why More times than you can count.
And he should be Silent Because the Universe Upholder Answers to no one. The Wisdom that invented Gravity and light and time Doesn’t have to answer back To dusty souls But As always He is more generous Than a man could ever be And he answers. He says: “You will see in time.”
At last You accept: He never meant to fix it. You accept: He knows what he’s doing. You accept: It is ruined And so are you.
Then he says, Like the first sighting of land Like a deep, deep breath Like a resurrection Like a midnight moonrise Like the first bud of spring Like the striking of flint, “Come, let us make something new.”
Further up and further in, Rosalie
p.s. – but seriously, guys, have you listened to the new Gray Havens album? It is the simplest project they’ve put out lyrically, and it has been such a gift to me. Dave Radford sharing what the last few years of life have been like for him via the songs on this album is part of why I’ve posted these poems here.
p.p.s. – if you’re still reading this post and you are still reading this blog, let me know if there is any type of content you’d like (reading recommendations, gif-ful guides, serious stuffs, something about how to like a guy without marrying him [omg, remember that old rag of a series?? I should reread those and make sure there’s no heresy/insanity I should edit out *sweats*], something about why Megamind is incredible, something about KPOP Demon Hunters and how I judged it by its title but then ended up crying while I watched it *sweats even more*, my RuminationsTM, etc etc). I don’t know if I’ll actually… you know… do it… BUT I could give it the ol’ college try.
Tahahaha, I am absolutely not. For those who have been following along, a fake engagement announcement is how I started all two of my 2022 posts, and I couldn’t help but try it again because I’m so hilarious and clever. This is the last time or is it.
Unrelated to fake engagements but related to this blog, I would like to say props to myself for successfully navigating the new WordPress look (I don’t know how new it is, but on my end, guys, everything looks different, and I’m already getting too old to adapt to these sorts of things; I barely know how to use my iPhone [yes, I switched from an Android to an iPhone; it is the source an ongoing identity crisis).
What’s changed, and what’s new?
Not much and everything. We’ll get into that at a later date if I actually keep posting. I’m still following Jesus, still part of the church I’m helping plant in Texas, still getting my socks rocked off by Jesus’ kindness. But I’ve been changed.
I say “omg” and “lol” out loud a lot now, and I’ve got a middle part. And did I mention I’m an iPhone user now? Ahem. All topics for another time.
Okay, enough chit chat. I’m writing a blog post because I want to hype up a band I’ve been listening too recently (besides The Gray Havens).
Gable Price and Friends
Okay, one night back in 2020, I was swimming in the depths of Spotify and got down some sort of Alternative Christian music rabbit hole and came across a song called “Dead Man” by Gable Price and Friends. And then I found “Touch Your Robe” from the same EP. They went onto my 2020 playlist, and I worshipped to them so much through that fatal fateful year.
Now, literal years later, I’ve started to actually listen to more music from Gable Price and Friends, and now here we are. Gable Price is now on my list of people I want to meet in heaven. The lyrics are unique–blunt and up front and also layered in metaphors–the sound is kind of punk rock-y, good driving music, good crying music wait what.
So we’re just going to chat (er, actually no chatting, just a written TedTalk from yours truly) about some of lyrics/songs by Gable Price and Friends.
“You can’t kill your demons if you make ’em your home“ – “Demons“ by Gable Price and Friends.
Talk about a one-liner.
Wow. It instantly makes me think of times when I’ve given myself to sin–of when fear has come on me with all sorts of anxious feelings and I’ve laid down and let it take over, of when self-pity whispers poison to my mind and heart and I just let it set up shop and sow division and fear, of when I not only listened to lies from comparison but viewed the world through a lens of comparison. This line always feels like a splash of cold water.
There’s another line–“You talk a lot, but the game isn’t won from the parking lot.” Bruh.
I think the whole song is about actually getting in the fight against the things that we suffer under–whether sin or depression or anxiety or whatever. It’s about actually fighting, about doing, about living out the truth instead of just saying the truth or just talking about all the things that are hard. At least that’s how I understand this song and why I love it.
How did we end up here? How did we get so far? ‘Cause my key to your door doesn’t seem to be workin’ no more How did we end up here? How did we get so far? I sat at your porch and I cried at your doorstep for hours
It feels colder than the winter I wonder if I slipped from your mind Would you let me in for dinner? I’d kill for just a bit of your time
I find it easy to love you But not so easy to trust you You talk of houses on hills But who’s paying those bills And who’s frontin’ those fees? – “Easy to Love You” by Gable Price and Friends
I love worship music so much, hymns and contemporary music alike, but there’s something about Christians writing songs that aren’t simply for church worship. There’s something about songs like this. When I first heard it, it was like things I’ve felt toward God in times of suffering or doubt put perfectly into words with metaphors that just made so much sense to me.
That feeling of lostness that comes when the things you used to do to be close God are now routine and he feels far away, feels like he won’t let you in (“Cause my key to your door doesn’t seem to be workin’ no more”). Then the creeping fear that you’ve been forgotten and abandoned and the desperation to get back to a place where you hear his voice clearly and he feels close by or the desperation that comes when it feels like he’s overlooking you (“I wonder if I slipped from your mind… I’d kill for just a bit of your time”). And then the skepticism that comes wondering if the Father has the means to come through for all the goodness he promises (“You talk of houses on hills, but who’s paying those bills…“).
After a time following Jesus, a sturdiness, a steadiness should form in maturing Christians, but there are still seasons that will come where the Father’s voice seems far away, seems like the zeal and golden love from the beginning has faded and someone changed the locks. Even though how it feels doesn’t mean that’s how it is, there’s something comforting to me of someone putting those feelings to words and expressing some of the difficulties of following Jesus (easy to love, harder to trust; how quickly the fear of being abandoned by the Father rises; etc.).
They say the truth will bring you to your knees That it might make me a better me
But not before it rips your chest out And not before it puts your back against the wall There’s a painful coalition A cardiac collision involved The truth might set you free But first it’s gonna set fire to your house It takes what you’ve been trusting And breaks it down to nothing at all – “How It Sets You Free” by Gable Price and Friends
This is the one that got me.
I had their latest album on in the background while I did something (maybe my annual cleaning of my room?) and these lyrics just clicked in my head.
I don’t know what it’s been like for other people, but for me, facing the truth–having to repent of sin, having to admit I was wrong, having to admit that the rose-colored glasses I view myself through are not always accurate, being truly humbled before God, all that jazz–is super painful and hard. I can think of so many instances where I felt backed into a corner by the truth, and I could either swallow painful truth and be renewed and change my mind/my thinking or go on in willful disobedience. For me, these are always hinge moments–where something turns, when I must give up a false idea or mindset or view, watershed moments that become landmarks for a before and after.
Recently, this looked like repenting of bitterness towards some of my friends. I’d felt for a while that something was off in my heart toward them. I tended to have a short fuse with them, wanted to believe the worse, wanted to be hypercritical. It isn’t how I normally am with my friends, and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was exactly, couldn’t quite name it. Finally I prayed about it, something like this:
“Father, this is a little awkward since I’ve been in denial about the way I feel for quite sometime…”
*clears throat*
“Anyweys, I think maybe something is off in my heart towards so-and so.”
*cough cough*
“I don’t know what, can’t name names, but something–maybe, I dunno, the fact I get angry at them when I shouldn’t–makes me think it isn’t good and maybe you could tell me what and, uh, we could do something, ahem, about it. Together. You know, or something.”
After praying about it for a few weeks, it became pretty clear that all these feelings I had towards these friends were the fruit of bitterness, and then I was still in denial. It looked something like this:
*my regular day-to-day life*
Holy Spirit: “Why does it make you angry when people speak well of so-and-so?”
Me: “I doN’t KNoW.”
Holy Spirit: “Isn’t this how bitterness has looked for you in the past?”
Me: “UGH, mAYbE, I DOn’T KnOW.”
Holy Spirit: “Why don’t you want to see them?”
Me: “NO rEaSOn. C’MoN, gimme a BReAk.”
Holy Spirit: “It’s bitterness.”
Me: “That seems a little extreme, don’t you think. I am A Mature ChristianTM, and I don’t get bitter or struggle with sin in my heart.”
Holy Spirit: “You’re going to go for that lie again?”
Me: …. …. …
*repeat the whole thing six or seven times*
Eventually, I came to terms with me sinning against my friends in my bitterness toward them… sort of. I mean, I knew I was bitter, but I wasn’t that bitter, and it wasn’t that big of deal, like, why would the Holy Spirit keep bringing it up. Gosh, like, just leave my alone and chillax, it’s not that bad. Like I’m just a little bitter, but like no one knows and maybe we can just go another year and a half with minimal interaction with these friends, like I can just avoid them on Sunday mornings and it’ll be fine.
Kids, I kid you not, that is where I was at.
But living in the truth means facing the truth, and by some miracle (what could it be? God’s grace again????) I was able to stop minimizing my sin, take responsibility, and repent. But it was a struggle. The truth had to devastate my ridiculous I Do Not Sin Anymore self-image and put my back against the wall so I couldn’t wriggle away from reality any more.
That’s why I love “How It Sets You Free“. The truth, the reality of my own sin, is pretty hard to look at and speak completely truthfully about. It’s easy to want to cut myself some slack when what I need is to have my house of false ideas burned to the ground.
Obviously, there are other ways the truth sets us free, but that’s a topic for another time.
*insert creepiest mwhaha ever*
The perfect polished pastor cannot save you Your Meyers or your Briggs won’t buy your sins You can break the alabaster on a podcast Deconstruct the light till none can be let in Self discovery can only get you so far, baby You’re heaven sent and only home will set you free There’s a middle eastern Man, with holes inside his hands and he’s out to get you – “Ten Percent” by Gable Price and Friends
I’m sorry, but what? I gasped out loud when I heard this bridge for the first time.
“Ten Percent” is about us only giving Jesus 10% of our hearts, and the cost of living only a little bit for Jesus. This bridge is fire. That part where it goes “deconstruct the light till none can be let in” was straight up shots fired. At a time when so many people who grew up in the church are hopping on podcasts and deconstructing their faith and then (a lot of times) rejecting it and/or rejecting ultimate truth, this seems wildly pertinent.
I look back on the day Jesus saved me and the others who were (supposedly) saved too but now have walked away from Jesus and his Church, and it sobers me. It also encourages me because this band is around my age, and some of the lyrics of the songs make me think (but I don’t know for sure) that Gable Price grew up in church and has some similar experience as me. I don’t know. For some reason, this song seems oddly relatable?
Also I love how that casual reference to Jesus at the end of the bridge alludes to him as the one who saves, the one who buys your sins, the one who brings light, the one who sets free, and how he’s bent on having his people.
Wowza, we’re already over 2000 words for this post, sorry, kids. I’ll call it quits before it gets too crazy long. Suffice it to say, I’d recommend giving Gable Price and Friends a listen.
To any faithful Penprints followers or new readers who tuned in for this entire ramshackle post, thanks. Had you heard of Gable Price and Friends? What lyrics are jumping out you from your current music favorites?
Further up and further in,
Rosalie
p.s. – just know it went against every bone in my body to not write a Valentine’s Day post about singleness. Yes, I recently listened to a podcast called “Is singleness superior to marriage?” and yes I also was sad and cried on February 13 because I don’t have no boo thing and then spent all of February 14 living my literal best life and being confused why I was sad about being single the day before. Nothing new there.
p.p.s. – for the uninitiated, “Boo Thing” is a term that refers to one’s significant other; I will use it to refer to significant others. And also, as it turns out, almost every single person other I encounter. It just comes out of my mouth before I can stop it, and I say it to a lot of people. And one of these days I will tell the mailman or some man buying a present for his wife at my work, “Thanks, boo, have a nice day.” And then I will go die.
p.p.p.s. – also, if you’re going to listen to Gable Price and Friends, but sure to give “Underdressed” a listen.
We’ve all been in this series long enough that I’m going to cut the chitchat and get straight to the nitty gritty (unless of course you haven’t been in this series; in that case, check out parts one, two, three, four, and five).
I’m a woman lady girl. So my experience in a relationship (or not being in a relationship, as is the case for this whole series?) is going to be different than a man boy guy’s.
Now, for some, this post may seem very hard. Our culture has a very boys-chase-girls, girls-chase-boys mindset. Anyone can chase anyone. But for Christians, our approach to anything cannot be like our culture’s. With everything, we’re to look to the Bible and look for God’s design.
As has been discussed at various points throughout this series, I wanted The Guy to notice me. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to try my hand a flirting with him. I wanted to give him hints that I liked him.
But I didn’t.
I didn’t tell him that I liked him.
I didn’t hint that I liked him.
I didn’t flirt with him.
I didn’t try to compliment him (even though I was heavily in the he-is-so-amazing boat).
There are two reasons why.
Reason #1: I didn’t have the confidence or self-worth to put myself out there.
For those of you who feel like this post is a no-brainer, don’t mistake a lack of self-worth/confidence for maturity. That’s what I did at first. I thought to myself, “Of course I would never try to make something happen with The Guy, not matter how much I want to. Of course he has to come to me.”
But it wasn’t trust in God behind that or understanding of God’s design for relationships or much of anything holy or biblical. What was behind it was fear. What was viewed by others as maturity was just fake maturity.
Girls pursue guys out of a hurt or a fear (Boat #1). Girls don’t pursue guys out of fear (Boat #2). And some girls don’t pursue guys because they trust God’s wisdom more than their own wisdom or desires (Boat #3). I was not sitting in Boat #3 like I thought I was; I was sailing around in Boat #2.
Girls who chase guys often have deep wounds and fears centering around self-worth, confidence, body image, insecurity, loneliness, unworthiness, etc..
Girls who don’t chase guys often also have wounds and fears centering around self-worth, confidence, body image, insecurity, loneliness, unworthiness, etc..
Some of the same root issues, but a different response.
Some women are pushed to take the lead, to initiate, to take their clothes off, to text first, to be louder, to be considered more desirable physically, to give and give, to chase and chase by fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being alone.
Some women are pushed further into themselves, to put more clothes on, to be silent, to stand by, to be doormats by fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of being undesirable. Fear of being unwanted.
Neither is firmly rooted in who God is and who he has made her to be.
This is what kept me to myself at first.
Friend, if this is you, please don’t despair. And please don’t stay there. Confess your fear to someone (someone like we talked about in the last post). Pray about it. Ask Jesus to bring healing to the parts of you that this world and sin has broken—your body image, your insecurity in your personality, your passivity, your fear of others’ opinions. Ask God to reveal what is at the root of why you do not (or do) pursue guys. And ask him to be so kind as to heal it and give you the grace to turn from lies.
Reason #2: I knew it was The Guy’s job to pursue me, not the other way around.
It took a while for the truth to root down in me and reform my motives. In order to understand for myself more why I was to be pursued, to be chased, to be wooed, Jesus led me into a deeper understanding of marriage.
Paul says marriage was created as a way to show the glory of the mystery of God’s love for his Church. So many mysteries and glories lie revealed in marriage. Two people becoming one flesh (an echo of one God who exists as three Persons). A husband leading, protecting, cherishing a wife—an image of Jesus leading, protecting, and cherishing his elect. Marriage is the closest relationship two humans can share. It is a spiritual, emotional, and physical union.
Almost always, lust is seen as the marriage destroyer. And it often is. But there is a more subtle (and I daresay more dangerous) destroyer—passivity. Specifically—a husband’s passivity.
This is one of the most fundamental things sin has broken in God’s design for men and women. Not just sex—though that’s gotten plenty messed up too. But what’s been most deeply broken is how men and women relate to each other.
Look at the Bible and see it everywhere.
Adamwas with Eve when the serpent tempted her. He was at the tree with her. He heard the serpent’s words and Eve’s response, and he did nothing. He let Eve eat of the tree without rebuffing Satan’s lies. He let Eve hand him some of the fruit as well.
In a lot of ways, Adam didn’t fall; he let the fall happen to him. He didn’t do anything. He was passive. He watched Eve buy into a lie that destroyed them both.
From there on out, a man’s biggest struggle with sin has been and will be a struggle against passivity.
Abrahamwas promised by God that he would be given a son to carry on his line. Abraham believed, but then after it didn’t happen for a long time, his wife, Sarah, took matters into her own hands. She told Abraham to sleep with her maid, and instead of leading Sarah back to God’s faithfulness and telling her he was going to trust God, he let Sarah lead him into sin. He slept with her maid (the ultimate defilement of the marriage bed of God’s design), Hagar, who then had a son, and both Hagar and her son had a dysfunctional relationship with the rest of the family for the rest of their lives, a rift that went on the span generations. God was sovereign over it and used it, as is his way, but what if Abraham had stopped it in the beginning?
Eliwas a priest in the days of the prophet Samuel (right before the nation of Israel asked for their first king). He was a nice dude and raised Samuel to serve God. But Eli had two wicked sons who sinned heinously, openly, again and again. Eli knew of their sin and the destruction it wreaked, yet he did nothing. He just kind of sat there. He didn’t rebuke them as their father. He didn’t rebuke them as their high priest. And in the end, his sons met death because of their sin. Eli was warned, and he still did nothing. He didn’t lose his sons because he didn’t do anything.
Davidwas also passive. In a sickening account, one of David’s sons raped one of David’s daughters. If that wasn’t bad enough, David did nothing. There were no repercussions. Everyone kept on living together like a big happy family. But David’s son Absalom wasn’t so passive. Absalom (the full-blooded brother of the girl raped) took revenge on the half brother who sinned so terribly against his sister and murdered him. And so David’s household spiraled and tore itself apart. Because David sinned in passivity and didn’t call out sin to be sin or seek healing and restoration for his family. His passivity ended in rape, multiple murders, and a ruined family. What sin and pain and destruction could have been avoided if David had actively led his sons?
Now let’s see the outcomes of men who weren’t passive.
Peterwas assertive. And I’m not just talking about how he’d always say stuff off the cuff in the gospels. In Acts, there’s an account of a married couple who sold a piece of land and pretended to give all the money to the church when they actually kept some back for themselves (so they lied). Full of the Holy Spirit, Peter tested them, gave them a chance for an out. When they decided to continue in their lie, still full of the Holy Spirit, he called out their sin in front of everyone, and the Holy Spirit struck the couple dead for their sin. And the church was protected (at least for a time) from what the seeds of their sin could have done to the church. If he had done nothing, said nothing, that seed of stinginess, of lying, of greed, etc. could have taken root in the church. Who knows what evil could have grown out of that? One thing is certain: destruction.
Jesus. Jesus chases after his own. He initiates relationship. His is gracious but not passive. He calls out sin. He encourages and leads. He is upfront. He says things that are uncomfortable. His whole life on earth was an act of initiation, of coming down, of bending down, towards, to get to his people. If Jesus was passive, he’d wait for us to come to him. But he came to us first.
So when it comes to The Guy.
If he’s passive in the beginning, the relationship will be shaped and marked by his passivity. He won’t lead you away from sin. He’ll let things slide—not in a gracious way, but in a passive way. Grace acknowledges sin as sin and sets it aside. Passivity is silent and doesn’t want to rock the boat. It is marked with laziness, the fear of other people’s opinions (aka: the fear of man: aka: a misunderstanding of God himself), or lukewarmness.
I’ve seen it happen where a guy doesn’t like a girl. The girl hints at her affections. The girl liking the guy suddenly makes the girl appealing to the guy. He kind of seems to initiate and lead, but areas of deep passivity remain. And sin and hurt is harvested.
For me, I’ve come to truly trust God with my future, and part of that is trusting that if I ever marry, the man boy guy that he gives to me will not be passive. And one of the first markers of that will be that the dude will come for me. He will pursue me. He will woo me. Then I’ll flirt and be awkward and tell him my mind and my heart and be open to him. And I know now that I’m worth being pursued.
The Good I’ve Seen:
I see an incredible model of what a man pursuing a woman should be really clearly in my brother Luke (I’ve gotten a front-row view of his dating, engagement, and early marriage).
He initiates with Emily (my sister-in-law) so well. He is gentle. He isn’t afraid to press into the hard stuff (or if he is, it doesn’t control him/keep him silent). He pursues her, loves her, cherishes her, wants the best for her and is willing to be uncomfortable and put in the work to see her get the best because he wants nothing less than the best for her. He tells her the truth when she’s hearing lies.
When she isn’t acting herself, he doesn’t let her hide away or bury stuff she’s always buried. He has proven he will be gentle with her, so she can feel safe (or as safe as she’ll ever feel) to be fully honest. He stays up late when they both have to wake up early so that they can go to bed at peace with each other. He doesn’t let stuff sit or fester. He doesn’t leave things unsaid. He doesn’t let her leave things unsaid. He’s crazy for her. He pursued her right from the beginning.
And Emily? She is a force of her own, one to be reckoned with. She’s a leader among women, full of the Holy Spirit and his good fruit. Her heart is wholly devoted to God, and her wisdom is peaceful and gentle. She’s a catch, as the kids would say. And instead of trying to snare a husband, she just followed God. And when she liked Luke and didn’t know what the future would hold, she chose to lean on the wisdom of Jesus instead of her own.
And when they started dating, instead of forcing her own way or being consumed by fear, she let him lead her. She trusted Jesus. And she trusts Luke. Like, a lot. She loves him. She encourages him right back. She tells him the truth. She responds to him. She is a well of gentleness and meekness and joy. She is kind to him and patient with him and laughs with him. She doesn’t belittle him or poke at him. She rejoices with him and in him.
He sharpens her, and she sharpens him.
He loves and builds up the woman in her, the woman God made her to be. She loves and draws out the man in him, the man God made him to be.
For me, I’d have to say seeing their relationship unfold has perhaps been the single most influential thing to how I now view and value romantic relationships. Luke and Emily aren’t perfect, but dang they did it well, and they’re still doing it well.
Let’s wrap this up.
Does any of that not make sense? Do you have any questions or confusions? As per usual, feel free to comment or contact me directly.
With love,
Rosalie
p.s. – I think we’re finally getting to the end of this series! Next week I think we’ll be talking about The Need To KnowTM. if anything will ever come of the crush.
p.p.s. – I know that this could be a little controversial. Even in the Church there isn’t agreement about what man-woman relationships should be, but after following Jesus for over fifteen years, this type of model is the one that I believe most follows the path God intended for marriage.
p.p.p.s. – a shout-out to Luke and Emily for being The BestTM and also consenting to me fangirling about them on the internet.
Here we be with part five of Help I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up So I Liked a Boy. For anyone just now joining this Reynolds Pamphlet of a party, here are the first four parts: one, two, three, and four.
Now, let’s keep on rolling.
So, the StirringsTM started July 4, 2019, but I didn’t speak of it to anyone until September-ish. As I’ve mentioned many many many times before, I was embarrassed. However, being a human girl after all, I also felt like I had some sort of Delicious Secret. And whenever a human girl has some sort of Delicious Secret (even when the Delicious Secret doubles as a Deep Dark Secret), she wants to tell someone.
You know what I mean?
My crush was my Deep Dark Secret. Some days I was like, “I will take this thing to. my. grave.” I never wanted anyone to know my shame (this was before I knew a lil’ crush was nothing to be ashamed of).
My crush was also my Delicious Secret. Cue the manic giggling and the daydream where I told everyone (including The Guy) about it through an epic lip-sync battle. What a mic drop that would be, amiright. That’s a true story, kids. It was either confession-by-lip-sync-battle or confession-by-somehow-taking-bullet-for-some-small-children. H.E.R.O.I.C.
But, at this point in the timeline I was low-key losing my mind. I was daydreaming. I was distracted at church. I wanted to see The Guy all the time. But whenever I did see the guy, I wanted the fastest way out of there. I was just starting to pray about it. I wanted to date The Guy. I wanted to show him my favorite movies and let him read all my stories.
I also wanted to be single forever. I was also afraid I was discontent in singleness because I had a crush. So I also felt like I was failing Jesus, which is one of my most debilitating fears. But I also wanted Jesus’ will to be for me to marry The Guy. So much fear rose up too—that The Guy would never like me back, that I’m undesirable, that I was liking out of my league, that he liked some other girl, that no guy would ever like me, etc..
I was swinging between extremes, getting lost and tangled up in my own mind. Unspoken things tend to loom larger and larger the longer they’re unspoken Someone once told me that fears always get exaggerated in your head. That’s exactly where I was.
So there I was—closed off in a type of isolation by all the fear tangled up with my Deep Dark Secret. But, by Jesus’ grace (and do I do very much mean that), my girlish tendencies won out (girls want to talk about boys). So I told a friend my Delicious Secret.
But Why?
At the time, I didn’t understand it to be God’s kindness to me that I would crack and tell someone. I just thought it was me being a goofy girl. In hindsight, though, I see why he allowed me to act out of a junior high girl mindset.
Here’s why God wanted me to tell someone (this is also probably why he’d want you to tell someone too if you like a someone right now and haven’t spoken of it):
Because fears get exaggerated in your head and the unspoken things loom larger the longer they’re unspoken (remember this one from way back four paragraphs ago?).
Because, for Christians, a lone ranger is a dead ranger.
Because how can another Christian speak truth into your life if you’re hiding things (even something “little” like a crush).
Because Christians are supposed to be in transparent relationship with other Christians, and the transparent part is soimportant for every Christian’s mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Before sin even came into the world, God said it wasn’t good for people to be alone because we’re made in the image of one God who is three Persons in the Trinity who have had community with each other always.
Because pride and self-reliance dictate silence (and then self-destruction), but humility seeks out help.
Because I’d rather be fully known and fully loved than keep secrets and not be able to believe people would love me as I really am.
But Who?
Now, I didn’t just run around telling everyone. That’s also God’s kindness to me. I only told a few people at first.
One thing before we get into some things to consider when telling others: if you’re not talking about your crush with God, you probably shouldn’t be talking about it with others yet. As with most of this whole series, this is not a hard and fast rule, but a recommendation because if you flee to people for help before you flee to God, you’ve got some things reversed. Go to God and people (“people” being a blanket term for a mature Christian usually of the same gender).
First, some probably nots.
(These are not disqualifiers or meant to be condemning; they’re just signs maybe the person isn’t in the best, healthiest spot to listen and offer godly encouragement.)
Not your boy-crazy, relationship-idolizing, constantly dating friend. This is not a condemnation; godly wisdom simply dictates that this person would not be able to offer the best crush/relationship advice.
Not The Guy (or, if you’re a guy, not The Girl; we’ll talk more about this next week). Even if they’re one of your best friends, don’t tell them. This will be what we talk about in more detail next week.
Not someone you know will egg on your crush. What you need is a mature ear and gentle, wise counsel, not a hype person.
Not someone who tends to gossip. You’d just be setting yourself up for hurt.
Not someone struggling with their own singleness. Again, this is not a rule, but just something to consider: would it be helpful for that person struggling in their own singleness to try to encourage and counsel you through your crush?
Not close friends of the one for whom you have StirringsTM. If they’re also some of your closest friends, maybe yes, but if not, just don’t. That’s unhelpful to everyone involved.
Now, for some probably yeses.
Probably someone who loves God a lot. If they truly love God, if they’re truly a Christian, that means they have his Holy Spirit. And that means they are more in tune with love and truth than someone who isn’t a Christian.
Probably someone who knows you and loves you a lot. Then everything they say and do in regards to this delicate matter will be done out of love.
Probably someone wiser/more mature than you are. Think of that person in small group who you look up to as what a Christian should speak and live like. Think of that person who you’ve heard make difficult subjects simple and easy to understand. Think of that person who is a little farther along in their life with Jesus than you are.
Probably someone who reminds you of Jesus (and, remember, you have to know Jesus to be reminded of him by someone).
Probably someone who is prone to gentleness/graciousness of speech. Wouldn’t you rather their words be like honey to you?
Probably someone who has told you (gently and out of love) something you didn’t want to hear before. This person will not cave to people-pleasing to try and make you happy.
Probably someone who trusts God more than they trust their own words. Meaning, they entrust their friends to God instead of trying to save/help/fix everyone themselves. Those who trust God and his power and his work more than their own will be slow to speak.
You want to tell someone about your crush who is going to shoot you straight, someone who fits Proverbs’ pictures of a friend, someone who will meet you with truthful encouragement and grounding grace, not vain optimism (note: there is a difference between real encouragement and baseless, flimsy optimism).
Note for the younger people: lots of church kids get told to tell their parents about their crush, and I’m all for this and believe that a parent/teen or parent/preteen relationship that is according to the Bible and God’s design would be a safe, wise place to go! However, if your parents A) aren’t Christians B) don’t have a safe, healthy, godly, loving relationship with you and/or C) are not regularly seeking God through Bible reading, prayer, and worship, tell the people who do fit those criteria instead.
If your crush hangs around for a month or so, talk to someone(s). It’ll be really helpful!
Do you have someone in mind? Someone who is like Jesus—full of grace and truth?
Now, tell them. Tell them what you’re afraid of. Tell them what you hope for. Don’t ask them if they think The Guy (or The Girl) likes you back because that’s unhelpful for you and for them. Don’t ask them if they think anything will come of it because there’s no way for them to know. Just open up your mind and heart to them and ask them to pray for you and speak truth to your fears.
In the beginning, I only told three people—all mature Christians, all full of grace and truth. Strangely, over time, as the novelty and fear and such gave way to trusting Jesus, I grew more comfortable telling a few more friends when it seemed helpful or relevant because I came to realize that it actually wasn’t that big of a deal even though it became something very formative for me. I told some who The Guy was, others I simply shared that I liked a boy.
I hope that this is helpful for some of you! What are you thinking now?
With love,
Rosalie
p.s. – sorry this post is late again! I need to stop making plans for Monday nights. *facepalm*
p.p.s. – next week’s post will be about why I didn’t chase The Guy or try to make anything happen with him. Be there or be square.
p.p.p.s. – for those hanging in for this series: are there any questions or things that seem unclear or haven’t been talked about that you would like to see addressed? Comment or contact me directly! <3
p.p.p.p.s. – I also took the liberty of starting to use #soilikedaboy as an official hashtag because this thing is basically turning into a book.
Jane Austen once said, “A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
Ha.
She ain’t wrong.
We’re back with part four of So I Liked a Boy. You can read parts one, two, and three if you’re new or if you just want a refresher of my manic, dramatic, and astonishing wit.
If you want the short version, I had StirringsTM (aka: a crush; aka: the precurser to FeelingsTM) for a dude in my church for a whole ten months and didn’t know what to do with myself and was forced to grow and rely on Jesus more deeply than ever. It was terrible but great at the same time. This series is me sharing the terribleness and greatness in hopes that people in the same spot as me are helped out with their own StirringsTM.
Let’s get part four of this party started.
All my life, the only requirement I heard that I would need to find in a husband was that he be a Christian. Preferably employed. Preferably not living with his parents. My parents probably had a few other criteria, but the one that stuck with me was the Christian part.
Naturally, I proceeded through almost my entire life thinking to myself, “So long as he’s a Christian, we good to go, let’s pick out the bridal party.”
As I grew up, I became a little more aware that a lot of people call themselves Christians who don’t actually love God. So I amended my Requirement Uno. He’s got to love Jesus. Then we good to go. Then let’s pick out the ol’ bridal party.
The Guy who I had StirringsTM for loves Jesus with more unabashed passion than a lot of people I know (which is remarkable in a church where everyone left everything because they love God; that’s church-planting for you). His obedience to everything God calls him to is quite admirable. His heart of worship seems akin to David’s.
After watching him for a couple months, I thought to myself, “Ah, such a deep love for God; let’s get married.” Yeah, my brain went there real fast; Jane Austen was, in fact, correct.
But, actually, him loving Jesus is the bare minimum, a passing grade, not the end all be all of what to look for/be attracted to in a boy I mean man I mean guy.
I was seeking council from someone very wise about The Guy (I’d been on the moon-eyed train for like eight or nine months at this point).
I was asked why I liked him. I explained some of my reasons. I was told, “Look for more.” Not because The Guy was morally or spiritually deficient in any way but because my vision was too narrow.
Raw affection for God is not enough. Even capacity for extreme obedience isn’t enough. Even spurring me on to Jesus more isn’t enough. It takes more than dynamite love of God to make a relationship work—especially if that relationship is a covenant between two sinners only to be dissolved by death.
He can’t just love Jesus; he has to be like Jesus.
Jesus: a Man of supreme character, grit, zeal, gentleness, wisdom, compassion, patience, and joy.
Jesus: a Man of such strength and goodness.
Jesus: One who even now anchors the entirety of his Church throughout all generations as its immovable Cornerstone.
That’s what I have to look for—not because I deserve it but because that’s what my soul requires for survival. There is so much sin in my heart that I require much much keeping and initiating and leading back to the cross again and again and again.
He can’t just love Jesus—as good as that is. He must heavily image the Son’s person. His very character must remind me of Jesus.
His goodness, mercy, compassion, holiness, strength, humility, devotion, joy, steadfastness, zeal for the kingdom, and submission to the Father must be echoes of Jesus.
Jesus is my first love. Why would I look or settle for anything less or anything different in my second, human love?
Now, you may be thinking, “Yeah, but gosh, Jesus is a hard act to follow.”
And you’d be right. And no man I mean boy I mean guy could follow perfectly in Jesus’ footsteps, that’s why we need Jesus. But while it’s a tall order, it’s not impossible. I’ve met so many people who love Jesus and are becoming more like him to the degree that when I hear them speak or watch their manner of living, I am reminded of the character of Jesus.
To be honest, I’d rather live out my days in the joys and challenges of singleness than marry someone who loves Jesus but isn’t like Jesus.
Questions to Soberly, Prayerfully Ask Yourself and Jesus
When I was praying through liking The Guy, the Holy Spirit stirred up many questions, then I found more in The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler, and then some more from some trusted friends. I had to ask them of myself and Jesus honestly, humbly, soberly, without rose-colored glasses.
So here are some of the recurring questions, which I now pose to you, dear reader.
Why do you like the guy? What in him draws you in? Is it his personality, his faith, his character, his what?
Is he part of and committed to (serving, giving to, involved in, etc.) a local church? Is it a healthy, spiritually mature (and maturing) church?
Is his character known or unknown? If not, why not? If so, what has his character proved to be? Reckless or steadfast, flaky or faithful, bitter or forgiving, selfish or selfless, etc.
How does he respond to suffering? Can he endure?
How does or doesn’t he submit to authority in the church (this is an indicator of his capacity/willingness to submit to the Holy Spirit)?
Why does your heart seek relationship with him? To put an insecurity to rest? To assuage loneliness? Or something else?
Do you like him based on who he actually is? Or are you actually more drawn to a version of him that only exists in your head?
Can he lead you spiritually—towards Jesus, through the trials of this life, through your own sin? Is he like Jesus in that his character is strong enough, steady enough, steadfast enough for the both of you? Is he one that can be depended on? Does he show forth the fruit of the Spirit?
And you have to actually want to know the answers because if you don’t, you’ll be closed off to the truth.
For instance, I could be honest and ask the Holy Spirit to search me and know me and show me if there were selfish reasons in my heart when I desired relationship with The Guy. It was easy to be open to anything there.
But all along, even though it was the first question I asked myself, I kept myself closed off to the answer of if The Guy could lead me spiritually, if our personalities and tendencies and giftings and maturities and all that jazz were such that I could not only submit to him but he could actually lead me like Jesus leads the Church—without passivity, with grace, with strength, with love, with action, with sacrifice. I made all sorts of unconscious excuses.
There’s no way for me to know that since I’m not in small group with him.
I have such a limited window.
It would be arrogant and prideful of me to say he couldn’t lead me. Etc..
But the truth that the Holy Spirit was pressing on all along was that no, The Guy couldn’t lead me. Not because there was anything wrong with him or because I’m ultra mature or anything like that. It’s as simple as me being a disaster, full of fear, full of sin, full of so many things that require a certain type of man I mean boy I mean guy to love and cherish and lead me through.
Yeah, by the grace of God, I’m bearing fruit, good fruit, Holy Spirit fruit, but there’s going to be sin in me until I die, and if I’m to run this race well—and if I’m to do it married—the dude has got to lead me like Jesus, has got to remind me of Jesus.
And, as I finally let the Holy Spirit tell me, The Guy isn’t that boy man guy. He and I don’t… fit together, if that makes sense. Neither is defective or better or anything, we’re just not fitted for each other. And that’s okay.
It’s so so so important to be honest with yourself and be open to the Holy Spirit actually answering the questions, even if the answer isn’t what you want to hear. Otherwise, you’re just deceiving yourself and living in a type of false reality of your own making, and the truth isn’t in you. Let the Holy Spirit lead you. Submit yourself—your heart and your will—to his wisdom and authority.
So anyweys.
That’s all for this week. As per usual, if anything doesn’t make sense or you have any questions, feel free to comment or contact me directly! <3
With love,
Rosalie
p.s. – sorry for the late posting! Internet was down at my house so I had to wait until I could go to a coffee shop to use the free wifi and drink the not-free coffee.
p.p.s. – next week I think will be about who to talk to about your crush and why it’s important to be transparent with a couple of mature Christians about your StirringsTM.
Penprints 